…And learned members of the judiciary. I am Doctor Park Rhun, Chief Reintegration Officer for the RCRP.
As you know, we’re gathered here today to commemorate the beginning of the program’s second stage, having judged the captive rainbow population is sufficiently robust that it may be slowly reintroduced to the wild. Today is a great day and represents a historic victory! However, before I go on to name and congratulate those responsible for this success, I wish to preface our thanks and commendations with a few historical notes.
In the beginning, rainbows were common. They frequently appeared after heavy rainfall, in tandem with frogs, in hopes of finding food and other members of their kind. However, changes in human activity began to rapidly displace them.
I seek not to criticise the LGBT rights movement. However, its rise coincided with a catastrophic failure in the wild rainbow population. Rainbows’ furs were prized for the making of flags, and lanyards for Australia’s veritable army of public servants.
At first, they were only hunted after rain, when they made themselves visible. The rainbow population, though hunted, was quite large, and they quickly learned to appear farther away from humanity. They were rare in the early days: like sperm whales, every part of the wild rainbow was prized. Its fur was made into the aforementioned flags. Its eyes were made into Turkish lamps. Its feet and hands were made into carpets. Its skin was used by the famous video-game company Nintendo to create different iterations of Rainbow Road, a track in their popular racing game Mario Kart.
Its digestive system was used to great effect by hotels and luxury resorts: Australia for many years had an ongoing trade agreement with Dubai for such. The rainbow’s digestive system is a complex one: it feeds off being seen. It attracts and absorbs light energy redirected off the eyes of living creatures.
This characteristic makes the rainbow’s very life into a paradox: it must be seen to survive, but now that we have become aware of its uses, it must hide from us.
For many years, newly aware of their endangered status and trapped in this paradox, wild rainbows lived only on the fringes of society, in dwindling numbers, hunted by unauthorised agents for profit and sport.
As the LGBT community became increasingly accepted, and international demands grew, in conjunction with illegal activities the rainbow was hunted almost to extinction. Only a few pockets remained in the Daintree, and these struggled to live off a diet of ant-sight and admiration from the occasional passing hippie. It was in this condition that my research team, then headed by Professor Turning-Bach, found the enclave containing the last rainbow family, and took them into captivity.
It’s been some years since then, and I’m proud to say that thanks to the efforts of the RCRP, we’re ready to reintroduce some of the stronger specimens into the wild. Although, everyone’s favourite, the original Roy G. Biv, will remain for the time being…
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